Agony Yoda
by Leap of fate
Summary: Master Yoda loses a bet with Mace Windu and so to get enough Credits to pay him back takes a job as an Agony Uncle in the Jedi Chronicle, offering his unrivalled wisdom to help the confused and troubled populace...those poor misguided people!
1. Issue 1

Agony Yoda

Hello chums, it's been a while since I started a straight up comedy, and it's the first time I've tried my hand at a Star Wars comedy anyway, so let's get the ball rolling. I don't own any of the recognisable Star Wars characters, the omnipotent overlord GL does (*snort) so let's not sue me 'kay?! I don't know if this has been done, but I've never seen a story like this, so in my mind its original. Anyway, the plot (or lack thereof) is that everyone's favourite lil green Jedi Master is a little bored and strapped for Republic credits, so signs up to become the Jedi's resident Agony Uncle to solve all those oh so interesting Jedi problems, for all those who write in to the Jedi Chronicle. So please review, read with an open mind, I don't wanna offend anyone, and just enjoy!

*

The venerable Jedi master Yoda sat at his oversized desk, slowly reading through all the letters that flooded his low ceilinged quarters. He had made a bet with Mace Windu about who would be voted Miss Jedi Universe in the Jedi version of a beauty pageant this year, and now he owed Master Windu fifty Republic Credits. He had applied to the Jedi Chronicle newspaper that was in need of a wise Agony Aunt or Uncle to solve peoples worries, and Yoda knew there were none so wise as him, so applied. Already he was flooded with letters, so just picked them randomly from the floor, desk, and everywhere else the letters were stuck.

"Hmm, so interesting the trifling problems of the Jedi are, hmm, very interesting. Have enough credits to pay back the debt I owe to that cocky Windu soon I will, hmm."

_Dear Agony Yoda_

_One day after a training session in the __Temple__, I made a bet with another Padawan about how far I could stick my lightsabre into one of my bodily orifices, now it is stuck. What should I do!?_

_Sore Padawan, __Jedi__Temple___

Yoda thought for a moment before writing his reply.

**First of all Padawan, tell you I must, STUPID ARE YOU! Costly lightsabres are hmm, yes. A dangerous mistake have you made, what would become of you if it were to activate, hmm? Even sorer you would be, yes, and considerably less watertight too hmm. Using the Force, see I can which orifice it has become lodged in (not a pretty sight, hmm?) , and tell you I can, painful it will be to remove, maybe a liquid diet would be advisable hmm? Go straight to the Medi-bay I would, amazed I am at how you manage to sit down, hmm, but be not foolish Padawan, a lesson I hope this has taught, Lightsabres are weapons, not toys, hmm? **

**_Agony Yoda_**

_Agony Yoda, How on Coruscant so gorgeous are you? Like I would, to nibble on your ears any day!_

**GORGEOUS AM I?! Master Yaddle, if playing a joke on me you are, graaave will the consequences be. Though say so I do, good I look for over 700 years hmm? Lotion I use, and a manicurist, though say that I shouldn't, envied my nails are, given away my secret is. Darn.**

**_The Gorgeous Agony Yoda_**

****

_Master Yoda_

_I am totally sick of my Master, he is really holding me down so I don't surpass him, I will be the greatest Jedi ever, you mark my words! How do I approach this subject with my master, you should make him let me take the trials, I am ready, REALLY!_

_Padawan Podracer_

**First of all Padawan, Arrogance leads to the dark side, ashamed should you be that ungrateful you are. Masters are chosen for Padawans carefully, the Jedi council itself approves all appointments of training. When ready you are, the trials shall you take, and ONLY ready will you be when deemed by your master and the council, if you are as good as you say, long you will have not to wait.**

**_Master Yoda_**

_Master Yoda, _

_I am not a member of the Jedi but as outside letters are allowed, I thought I would write. I have so many outfits, I don't know how to keep track, and my hair is in so many different styles I go through tons of conditioner every week. Can you advise me on being more organised and conservative?_

_Disorganised Senator._

_X_

**Hmm, many answers your question has. Firstly senator, if Jedi you were, say to you I would that possessions take away from the essence of the Force and are unnecessary distractions, but as you are not a Jedi, use my age old and renowned wisdom I will.**

**Perhaps a numbering system you could keep, to list your outfits and when to wear them, or label them you could for different occasions, I am sure your attendants can help with organising, I am not so knowledgeable on this subject (THOUGH KNOWLEDGE I HAVE ON ALL THINGS OF COURSE!) as only one outfit I ever wear, consistency is key for a Jedi such as myself, and fashionable I do make these robes, if say so myself I do. As for hair, a newer product Essence of Wookie is, and as much hair they have, devised a new conditioner Looky Wookie Labs have, boost your hair's shine and bounce it will, with one spray, so that greasy or tangled your hair does not become, and perfect you will look for your conferences. Helpful I hope I was.**

**_Master Yoda_**

_Agony Yoda_

_When are you going to actually get off your little green backside and do some work around this __Temple__? Don't think I don't notice your attempts to slack off!_

_Sincerely M.W_

**Master Windu, disturb me not I told you! Hmm, Credits I need, to repay what I owe from our small wager! Jedi! Do not gamble, it is wrong, and draws away from the Force, (and if you do, gamble against Master Windu not, or skint will you be!)**

**_Master Yoda_**

****

_Dear mesa bombad friend Master Yoda_

_Mesa__ been havin a wee trouble. Sometimes mesa tinken nobody understands Jar Jar, and mesa findin dis right. Sometimes, mesa say tings that mesa chums don't be understanden. Been sayin I do talken funny some Senators do. __Mesa__ wondering if mesa friend Agony Uncy Yoda can helpen mesa. _

_Be seein ya! Jar Jar_

**Jar Jar, sympathise with you I can, long ridiculed was I, because speak differently do I. But remember people do, how wise and cute I am, and soon forget do they. A different matter are you, Jedi you are not, so impress people it may be more trouble to. Strong and persistent must you be, hmm yes. Perhaps a speech coach you could employ, or some holotapes you could purchase. Exercises these will have, help you they can, to talk in the manner of other senators, though always remember Jar Jar, be yourself, if people like you not for who you are, their loss it is, though maybe sometimes you can be irritating hmm? Not like the wise and cute me! (A warning, Uncy Yoda call me not again, or up a place where the suns do not shine my lightsabre will be lodged, and feel like my earlier agonee 'Sore Padawan' will you) Blessed with my charm all cannot be, so do as I have instructed and results you will soon see!**

**_'The bombad' Master Yoda_**

****

_Master Yoda_

_Obi Wan said that the Jedi Records are incomplete, it is not true is it?! We Jedi know all, do we not? This would ruin my whole belief system, tell me the cheeky so-and-so is lying! A planet is not missing is it, if it isn't in the records it isn't there right? RIGHT?! _

_Madame Jocasta Nu_

**Madame Jocasta, calm must you be, breathe in and feel the Force. Now, lie the Jedi do not, and upon this particular occasion wiped from the archive an entry was, but there it once was, so wrong neither of you are. Tell Obi Wan to tease you not, for it has been added back, and knows he does that particular you are for order and all to be right. Lecture him I will, when repaid my debts I have. Worry not!**

**_Master Yoda_**

****

Master Yoda put his pen down, and looked proudly at his handiwork.

"If Jedi I was not, then advice columnist I should have been, rule at it I do! But more I cannot fit on, suffice this must, until the next issue. How the people can get into such trouble is beyond me, ashamed they should be, aspire to be like me they should, infullable am I..."

"…Infallible meant I…hmm."

*

Okay that's all from Agony Yoda for now, what'd you all think, this was a much better idea in my head, but it wasn't _that bad was it, and I did write it at around 4 A.M while I had the flu, okay I've explained myself plenty for this travesty! Please review, tell me what you think, and if you have any scary, strange or perplexing problems that only the…infallible Master Yoda can solve, leave them in your review or email em at Thunder_godess_@hotmail.com! Oh and **(Shameless plug alert!) you could always go and read my Obidala Futures Past if that's your cup of tea, if you don't like Obidalas then don't read if you'll be offended by it 'kay? Thanks y'all come back soon now!**_

xXx


	2. Issue 2 TPM Style!

Agony Yoda

A.N; Well, here on request of Padawan Jess Kenobi, is the special Phantom Menace edition of Agony Yoda. Enjoy!

*

_Dear Yoda_

_I'm not a Jedi but I really need your advice._

_I'm so horny I don't know what to do. It really makes it hard to talk to girls I mean im so red and black in the face, it really puts people off. I've even tried getting my lightsabre out to show people but it just scares them away, it's off-putting for some reason. The girls are just scared cos of my hornyness, they don't even stick around to know the real me. I'm not always good with either sex anyway, and I've had to kill most of the girls I've met before. My master discourages relationships but my appearance puts everyone off anyway!  Have you got any advice?_

_Mauler_

**Now, now Mauler. Over dramatic are you being, 'kill' is such a strong word, and I'm sure girls all do not run from you, you cannot be that ugly! Green am I but still sexy as is proven in last weeks edition! Get out your lightsabre!? Information that is too much, hmm? Share with me that you did not need to! Mental pictures, scare me they do! Perhaps treating these women objects like you are, more like people you should treat them as. Only human they are, well mostly. Do not be so forward! Sexual urges in check keep you, then run perhaps so many wouldn't. Honest be you, and act like yourself, and easier to approach these girls it will be, have confidence!**

**_Master Yoda_**

****

_Dear Master Yoda_

_I have a great job and I enjoy it a lot, I'm very good at it, I'm as qualified as any of my bosses, but they just don't want to give me a promotion, they say my techniques are off the wall and not how they like to operate they feel I'm a maverick, they are very old fashioned, but I deserve to be made a part of their council, how should I deal with this?_

_X_

**Well, the solution I feel is hints to drop, or ask one of your bosses directly, perhaps ready they do not consider you, or feel that the job you will not take seriously. Talk to them you must, or never know will you, what the problem is. **

**_Master Yoda_**

****

_Master Yoda_

_My master was on Tatooine recently and picked up what I can only describe as a stray. This raggedy young boy is apparently a slave he freed and wants to train as a Jedi! He is most definitely too old to start training but my master seems to think he is 'the chosen one' who will restore peace to the galaxy. I can't help feeling a little jealous, I haven't even been entered into the trials yet and my master is already trying to replace me with some unknown brat from a desert world that he's known for all of ten minutes, tell me I'm not being paranoid here._

_'Ben'_

**Dear 'Ben', insensitive I would agree your master is, and more importantly, more to take on than one Padawans the Jedi Code prohibits, talk to your master you should, voice your concerns so understands your feelings he does. Allow not this to damage your bond, honesty the best policy is. **

**_Master Yoda_**

****

_Master Yoda_

_I fear I'm starting to have feelings for a ten year old. What on earth is your solution?_

**EEEEEEEW! Wrong with you what is?! Cold shower and bromide take you! Never will that work out! Never! EEEW!**

**_Master Yoda_**

****

_Dear Master Yoda_

_I am a protocol droid, C3PO -human cyborg relations, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication… but I'm missing the point. My master (and creator) has recently relocated to some far flung reach of space to become a Jedi or some such nonsense, which leaves me totally alone. I know I should not have feelings but my master was such a special individual I feel lost without him, I'm supposed to care for his mother, but I can't help wondering if I'll ever see him again. What is your advice?_

**A special droid are you C3PO, your humanity indeed is uncommon and strange. If your masters last wish it was for you to serve his mother, then honour his decision you should. If it is the will of the Force you shall meet again, and better to do a good job of your appointed tasks it is, please your master and his mother it will, lonely too she inevitably feels, losing a son as you have a master. Company give her, and what the future will bring you can only guess (though know can I, as wise Jedi I am hehe) Good luck.**

**_Master Yoda_**

****

It was a few days later and Yoda was admiring his handiwork in the Jedi chronicle.

"Putting out fires all over the place I am, soon money enough will I have. Haha, perhaps a new wager should I make with know-it-all Windu hmm…no, no pure and good I must remain, tempted I am not, wisdomful I am…word that is not…. Pah! Master Yoda I am, word it is now. Hmmm. Yes." Yoda was muttering these things to himself as he sat in the Cafeteria of the Temple when Qui Gon Jinn sidled up to him, the Jedi Chronicle stuffed indiscreetly into his robes.

"Ahem." He said and Yoda swivelled on the bench to face him.

"Greetings Qui Gon, my great work you have been admiring hmm?" Yoda said motioning to the paper.

Qui Gon stuffed the paper behind his back and smiled toothily at Yoda.

"Erm, Master Yoda. Being how you are so wise and all?"

"Yes Qui Gon, wise am I, and soon to be rich."

"Yes well, I think I deserve to be on the Jedi council, I totally rock! I mean ahem, please Master Yoda, I can be a good boy." He gave Yoda puppy dog eyes.

Yoda scrutinized him closely, mulling it over.

"You promise you will stop being such a maverick?"

"Jedi's honour." Qui Gon nodded.

"Prooooomise?"

"Promise."

"Ah…hm… well good you are ….lemmie think about thiiiiss….."

Qui Gon looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but Yoda thought some more.

"Hm….wellllllllll…..hmmm…..let me see, let me see…."

Qui Gon leaned forward in anticipation.

"YYYYYYYYYY- NO! Hahahahahahahaha! Ah crack myself up I do." Yoda wiped away tears of laughter. Qui Gon still hung around thinking Yoda was kidding.

"Hear me did you not? No, no, no, no, no, no, Ye- NO! HA! Good that felt. Go you can, off you go!" Yoda waved his hand at him and Qui Gon sloped off, looking dejected

"Awwww!" Said the cafeteria.

"Awwwwww!" Said the author.

(Go on readers, say awww for poor Qui Gon!)

"Hey! Star of this story I am! Respect me you should, wisdomful I am! Qui Gon can't be a master, limited number of seats there are…erm…as many as there are in the movies, hmm yes, and erm…budget we do not have, skint we all are! Taken a job as an Agony Uncle I have for Force sakes!" Yoda glared.

"Awww!" 

"Respect me you will! Leaving I am, my agent you will hear from!"

(C'mon lets all fix him with the puppy dog eyes I bet he cracks!)

"Crack I will not! Venerable Jedi master I am! … No! That look I will not fall for….hmmm! Die he does! Otherwise Master I would have made him! GL write to, yell at him! Going now I am. Hmmph." 

(We hear the door slam.)

Leap of Fate: Erm…well Yoda seems to have walked out on us folks, I'll bribe him back for next issue! Padawan Jess, I hope this TPM special was to your liking, and to all of your likings? Any ideas for questions or other characters or anything else you'd like to add, leave it in your review or email me! Thanks for reading!

Click that darn review button and tell me what y'all think!

You know you want to!

                                    |

                                    |

                                    |

                             \      |        /

                               \           /

                                 \       /  

                                     |          (you can tell I was bored huh?)


	3. Issue 3

Agony Yoda

Thanks to _Hobbit for suggesting some agonies, so of course as there is no question Yoda cannot answer, they will be included. Thanks for coming to read, enjoy!_

*

Everyone's favourite lil green advice columnist was swimming in the sea of letters that had flooded his low ceilinged quarters, cackling to himself.

"Popular I am, my advice everyone in the galaxy wants, mwahaha, rich, famous and adored by all I will be…sinking I am, possible is it to drown in letters?! Eeep!" Yoda sank down to the middle of the pile, trying to hold his breath. Since he was already green he couldn't go many other colours, so we'll say he went…pink! Yes… and then gasped out.

"Hmm, breathe I can underletter, invaluable that will be tee hee… ooo a pretty green letter, read this one I will!" With that he grabbed the letter and resurfaced, jumping on top of all the letters and climbing over to his desk which was perched unsteadily on the top of the pile. Yoda opened up the letter and read the untidy scrawl of green crayon on the page. 

"Hm, from my nephew Yeda this must be, problems I wonder what he has."

_Dear Unca Yoda,  
Mommy and myteacher r making me rite 2 u 4 a skool project. I have severl questions 4 u. Du u like Yaddle? is Padmé hot? If not, y not?  
sinceery,  
__ur__ nefu Yeda!_

**Dear nephew Yeda. Teach you at your school what do they!? Unacceptable your speech is, unbefitting of a Jedi- to-be hmm? To your questions, Yaddle of course I like (great ear nibble she gives hehe) all the Jedi Masters I like and respect, (though some I have my doubts on hmm). A respected Senator is Senator Amidala, most disrespectful to her it would be to call her hot! (Though now you come to mention it, crack space-nuts her buns could tee hee!) wrong it is for a Jedi to think people hot! VERY WRONG AND AGAINST THE CODE TO THINK SENATOR AMIDALA HOT (HINT, HINT!) Ahem, so no, but make up your own mind on the hot Senator, I mean, respectful Senator!**

**_Uncle Yoda_**

"Perfect." Yoda grinned at his reply and dove into the pile to find a new letter.

He saw a black envelope and was intrigued, so grabbed it and got out his handy green pen with a little picture of him on.

_Dear Uncle Agony Yoda,  
I came back in time to ask you this...see, this ruler of the galaxy has assigned me to take out a gifted Jedi, but I kinda like him...what do I do?  
The Hand._

Yoda had to contemplate this for a second, after all being written to from the future was a little spooky even to a venerable Jedi Master. Then he recovered and knew how brilliant he must be to have people wanting his advice from the future. So he replied.

**Dear 'The Hand', flattered I am to hear from the future, I hope I am well there, a place in the galaxy hall of fame I must have hmm, or my own hall! Hmm yes be that it must. Anyway! My advice, Hand, as the Hand of a ruler, hard it must be to get dates I'd imagine hmm? Probably forbidden, yes? As I am a Jedi Master of course I will not advise you to kill the Jedi (Doubt you could I do, if worth his salt this Jedi is hmm) you like this Jedi? Advice this I give you, approach this Jedi in peace, get to know him should you, renounce your old ways of darkness, embrace the Force you should, and seek friendship and love with this Jedi, perhaps it will change the course of history for the better, and happy you can be, pretty boring murdering people can be I'd imagine, bonking Jedi better for you I'd think. If the Jedi Order is in a bad way, make more! Hop to it Hand, helpful I hope my suggestion is!**

**_Agony Yoda_**

Yoda briefly pondered asking about how the future was, but decided to keep to the question, so rooted around for the next.

A letter with an untidy scrawl that looked kinda misty caught Yodas eye so he yanked it up and looked it the wispy writing inside.

_Dear Master Yoda,  
Some people have been saying that I can't reappear to anyone since I didn't reappear, is this true? And if it is, how can I be writing to you?  
Qui-Gon_

**My good friend Qui Gon, move in mysterious ways the Force does, if reappear in body you couldn't your spirit remains at least in all of us who knew you. Like a greeting card I'm sounding. Maybe reappear you can, and trying hard enough you aren't! Heard your wisdom from beyond death Obi Wan has in the past, so truly gone you are not, maybe we cannot see you because Master you are not, in any case, how are you, well I hope being one with the Force is. Meet again we will someday, til then multi-millionaire Agony Columnist I will become, haha I rule!**

**_Agony Yoda_**

****

This question had made Yoda's head hurt somewhat but he managed to regain himself and looked for another problem.

_Dear Agony Yoda_

_I wasted all my credits on some really cool Death Sticks, but I found out they were useless, now I'm broke, I even pawned my lightsabre to a Wookie for another pack, what shall I do?!_

_Jedi Death Stick Disaster._

**Disaster you truly are!!! PAWNED YOUR LIGHTSABRE?! PAWNED YOUR SPECIALLY CONSTRUCTED, UNIQUE, COMPLETELY SPECIAL AND EXPENSIVE, INTRICATELY DESIGNED, PERFECTLY HARVESTED ADEGAN CRYSTAL LIGHTSABRE, THE EXCLUSIVE WEAPON AND A JEDI'S BEST FRIEND, GIVE AWAY YOUR BEST FRIEND WOULD YOU?! TO AN UNTRAINED COMMON WOOKIE?! *Bangs head against desk* Become a Jedi how did you?! Despair I do of whoever brought you to the temple! BACK GO AND GET IT! Care I do not how many limbs lose you! Pray you run into me not in the temple, or lose more than limbs you will!!! Now! Stop reading this! Go!!!**

**_Terribly Angry Agony Yoda_**

****

Yoda rubbed his temples in exasperation and decided to find one last problem.

_Agony Yoda_

_One of your order murdered my father in cold blood. Sure he was an evil, troublesome Bounty Hunter to you guys, but he had some feelings too. I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you, I will have my revenge, I will be the best Bounty Hunter in the world, I'll give you and all Jedi nothing but hassle as long as I live MWAHAHAHAHAHA DIE JEDI SCUM I'LL GET YOU ALL YOU JUST WAIT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU KILLED MY FATHER, I WILL KILL YOU ALLLLL MWAHAHAHAH BANG BANG!_

_Sincerely Boba Fett._

Yoda scratched his head and frowned at this one.

"Truly no answer to that there is… hmm… condolences I'll send, hmm, and a fruit basket?"

He picked up his pen.

**Dear Boba**

**Killed your father? No Boba, I am your father! Hehehe, funning I am, your father I am not. Father only to one, from a drunken night with Yaddle, raaar tiger she is! Ahem…said that I did not. Condolences I send, with a fruit basket, if your address you will give, kill you we will not, of course hehe *angel face* Sorry! **

**A deeply, DEEPLY, sorry all -powerful -and -skilled –Bounty- Hunter- Killer-so- don't-push- me- sucka!- Yoda.**

 Yoda sat back to admire his handiwork. 

"These Bounty Hunters, far too tetchy they are, advise nasty Bounty Hunters I shouldn't anyway, yes that doesn't count, infulluable I still am haha! hm… that is all I think for now, plenty of answers there are here. Ooo so rich and famous I will be…write a book perhaps I should, 'Many Talents of Master Yoda There Are…hmm'. Perfect! Rule I do!"

"….INFALLABLE! Bugger."

*

That's all for this Issue, thanks for reading, please review, any suggestions, questions or characters are always welcome, thanks to Hobbit for providing Yeda, The Hand and Qui Gon's questions, any more feel free to suggest. Thanks again y'all, see you next issue!

Review, you know it makes sense!

xXx


End file.
